Tale 7 : The weight of living my truth
These last few days I've been thinking about what to write in this post. How can I be my most honest and authentic self with you. Since the last time I wrote, a lot has happened, personally and professionally. So many new things just came up suddenly that it got a bit difficult to open my heart to writing. When I tell you guys my story, I have to be completely present. I can't have my mind somewhere else, that just doesn't work. But this post is special, it is coming straight from the depths of my heart. Writing about this topic is important because most of us struggle with meaningless insecurities. Just know that you are not alone.
As you know by now, yoga has played the biggest part in my healing process. I found yoga when I was at my lowest, and without it I wouldn't have made it till here. I have a tendency to slip into a downward spiral of emotions when things don't go smoothly and I work on that weakness everyday. I am a typical Libra, I absolutely hate conflict, and when the conflict is inside me then it just wrecks my being.
Recently, I made a switch from insulin injections to the insulin pump aka the artificial pancreas. It's basically a machine that is programmed to deliver insulin according to the user's needs. It's super expensive but at the same time its super awesome because I don't have to prick myself four times a day with injections. The only but MAJOR downside in my personal experience using the pump is that it has made me gain a lot of weight. Like, a lot. And that sucks because I am a yoga teacher and my profession demands that I stay in shape. If you ask true yogis, they'll say that it doesn't matter at all, but, you know, the so called society thinks otherwise.
I get at least ten inquiries everyday for my yoga classes. And, eight out of ten of them want POWER YOGA. Honestly, I don't know what it means or how it's done, but apparently, its very popular these days. I'm extremely disinterested in teaching it and I lose many clients because of my unreadiness to learn it. My students are generally people who want to develop a deeper connection with themselves and move towards self-exploration. They range from 18 to 75 years of age and in the process of self-exploration, most of them have lost the weight that they wanted to lose.
I know this weight that I've gained is temporary and as I get used to the insulin pump, it'll shed off. My students don't judge me and thankfully never demand that I start teaching power yoga and follow the fad. But coming back to the conflict part, sometimes I doubt myself over the choice of running my yoga studio the way I do. My studio is not that big and I don't teach batches of 30 people to make it look fuller. But, does that mean that I'm not a good teacher? Well, HELL NO. I get back on my yoga mat whenever such doubts creep in and I'm reassured that the path I've chosen might not be popular but it sure is good and honest and coming from a space of real love and compassion.
I strive to live a life that I'm proud of and nothing can change my mind about that. I don't want to fool people into buying something that I don't believe in, and nothing, not even my own weight can bury me under the pressure of fitting in. :)